Motherhood and Graduate School

Motherhood and graduate school share many similarities, as they both can be super demanding and rewarding at the same time. Among all the challenges that I am facing trying to balance the two, the biggest one has always been confronting and letting go of my guilt. 

I entered motherhood and started my Master’s study at the same time. At the beginning, I was only taking classes. I was sleep deprived on most days but the workload was mostly manageable. As I progress, I know firmly that I want research training from a PhD program to become a research scholar. Things got more challenging as I started my PhD journey and my little angel grew from an infant to a toddler. Being a parent, I had to miss a lot of activities/study groups that are outside of typical working hours. In a nutshell, I need to be a student during working hours, and switch to mom roles at nights as well as during weekends. Not being able to commit myself 100% to the graduate student experience as my other cohort mates makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty when others make accommodations to my schedule. I also feel guilty for having less dedication than others to make progress on research. The guilt is even more overwhelming when it comes to having limited time to spend with my daughter. She spends most of her day in day care, from early in the morning when she wakes up until 5:00pm. That only leaves me about three hours every day to interact with her on weekdays. It saddens my heart every time I think about how much time I actually have for my daughter. The guilt of prioritizing working on my career over time spent with her can be very consuming. I developed symptoms that are related to impostor syndrome – always feeling guilty and incompetent in my roles being a mother as well as a student. 

As I noticed how the fear and guilt has piled up, negatively impacted on my productivity and the quality of work and life, I began to search for ways to let go of the negative feelings. Along the way, the very first thing I’ve realized is that I am not alone. Sometimes you may feel that your situation is so unique that you have to forge a path on your own, but most often you will find people who are or were “in the same boat” as you. I’ve found inspiring peers in my department, other colleges, and even from blogs/vlogs shared by brilliant minds all over the world. Interacting and learning from them give me a sense of community. From where I built my own support network, which was my first step to make peace with myself. 

There are many tips out there if you search on how to balance motherhood as a graduate student. To name a few: better planning and organization skills, prioritize and delegate, being patient with yourself, and being present while doing each task, etc. All of these are easier said than done. But you will get better at it as you practice. Having a support network to share experiences with one another makes me grow faster. Of course, the challenges are still there. In the time of COVID, it is even above and beyond. However, the practice of letting go of my guilt has helped me to not blame things that I cannot control to myself. That has helped me to stay focused and be present at work as well as at the times I spend with my daughter. 

Every coin has two sides. Remember, the other side of demanding is rewarding. If you are starting graduate school while juggling between school and other responsibilities like me, don’t be afraid. Find your support network and move along bravely! You are never alone. 

Written by Kehui Zhang

Summer Orientation Peer Advisor

Graduate Student

China