“How do I do this right?” Each of us is an inherently unique story that's still unraveling, yet it feels like it is up to us to take control of this story, to become the protagonist that’s supposed to succeed when there’s so much that’s unknown. This is especially true for international students. Many of us are departing from family and close friends, from people that we look to for refuge and guidance. We forgo familiarity and our sense of control, plunging head first into an uncharted world where every step is as exciting as it is daunting.
“How do I do this right?” I think about it almost every month since I entered college. For me, entering college was like entering a huge, complex game that I somehow am supposed to know all the rules to. And college doesn't last forever. So not only do I have to do the right things, I have to do them all given the little time I have. Over time though, I understood better that, while it is important for me to spend time exploring the mysteries of college, of American culture, taxes, and academic networking, it is even more important for me to believe that I can continue moving forward while accepting the fact that there’s much I still don’t know and haven't done. This is a journey still in progress - like reallyyy in progress - but one that has taught me a thing or two along the way.
A few things that have helped me:
Redefining my success in a more balanced and sustainable way. When I started my first few weeks of college, my instinct was to dive head first into one thing - my grades. I told myself that if I get good grades in classes, which was my definition of what it meant to excel in college, then everything else will eventually fall into place. This was not true. After a while of focusing only on my GPA, I started to burn out. I didn’t feel accomplished or motivated the way I used to, even though I know I tried my best. Not only that, my life felt a bit hollow (like have you ever cracked into a big egg but only like ⅓ of it is actually filled with egg content? Super disappointing stuff). I was dedicating more and more time to something that did not make me feel happy nor help me grow as much as I feel like I can. I had to redefine my idea of success. What helped me was when I began simply putting more care into what goes on in my life outside of academics, which includes trying out new things: going to game nights more often with friends, meditating, actually getting consistently enough sleep, learning to cook Vietnamese dishes, revisiting Taekwondo… By expanding my definition of success to these different areas of my life, I found that they work in tandem with each other to motivate and nourish me. Going on morning runs made me feel free and helped me stay focused better for homework, engaging with my local monastery open up new ways to approach mental health, while working at the university’s dining hall and cafe shop builds my self-esteem and soft skills.
Measuring my progress in a way that’s fair to me (and not just by comparing myself to others). This is a very logical statement, and yet it can take incredible effort for me to wrap my head around the fact that comparing my progress to that of others often makes absolutely no sense. I expected to fully grasp U.S politics when I did not live in this environment since childhood like my American friends did. I feel unworthy when I see the incredible things my classmates have already achieved, even though I know that my insecurities often paint a much more glorified picture of everyone else’s life while downplaying my own; plus as people we are all different in, among other things, our life challenges and privileges - it is unreasonable to use others as a measure of our own worth. When my friends experienced failure, I understood and comforted them, yet I don’t show the same empathy and acceptance for myself. I am sure you can relate to this with your own examples. It is easy for us to fall into unrealistic expectations for ourselves, but I do think that taking the time to reflect on the way we view and treat ourselves vs. others can provide a more realistic view of things and help us move forward from our failure, rather than feel defeated by them. Talking through our insecurities with people we trust can also help us see ourselves in a different light. No one said we have to do this alone!
Let others help me, and understand that they want to help. The idealistic images that I often paint of others can also distort my relationship with them. Rather than seeing others as teachers and resources that could help me grow, I saw them as idols and ideals that I will never get to the level of. I was so trapped in the illusion of my inferiority that I constantly worry my presence is somehow burdensome or unwarranted. I was hesitant to speak with professors after class because I feel like I’m taking up their valuable time. I didn’t tell friends and alumni about my half-formed, half-baked goals, because I was afraid those goals were not good enough for them to waste their time on. Yet, if a friend or underclassman wants to share with me their goals, of course I would work with them to resolve any potential flaws because I want to see them succeed in the same ways others want me to succeed. Working with this insecurity, nervousness, shame, and feeling of inferiority that arise when I feel the need to ask for help can take time, but getting to a better understanding that they are merely distorted feelings, I can allow myself to be helped and to actively seek assistance from others.
Take my breaks. College for many of us is all about making the most of the little time we have. “Go go go”, we say as we stretch ourselves thin between more and more tasks until there is no room left for a break. But when you constantly have to keep yourself above water, eventually, you will realize that you can’t sustain it for long. For me, those moments when I finally gave up on the chaos around me were very difficult to recover from. Not only that, when I focus too much on doing, I have less time to reflect on what I have done, which I later understood was crucial for me to understand my progress, give appropriate kudos to my achievements, and guide me on where to go next. Stopping and taking a break helped me move forward.
Know that I don’t, and don’t have to, know everything. I know this is pretty much what my blog has been alluding to, but it is something that can be very hard for us to wrap our heads around especially when we feel like we have to do everything and be everything (I know I sound like a broken record at this point). Whenever I don’t know something, I can bet my entire asset (which isn’t much) that someone, somewhere, including Mr. Google, can give me the answer. Don’t know how to write a good resume? There is at least one university resource and a dozen Youtube videos that can show you. Don’t know what your industry of interest is like? There’s an alum on University Career Alumni Network (UCAN) that can tell you about it. Don’t know how to do that homework? The person sitting 3 rows above you probably does (your instructor most definitely does, I hope), go ask them! I bet you’re thinking “duh Phat I know, if I need help of course I’ll go ask for help”. But just sticking to the theme of me being a broken record, I just want you to know that you are here for a reason, your unique identity as an international student alone is an asset to the university, and you’ll do great, but even great people need help sometimes!
So go out there, do your best, have fun in the summer sun (because it isn’t going to last long), and make your own Michigan Experience!
Written by Phat Nguyen
Summer Orientation Peer Advisor
Undergraduate Student
Vietnam
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